2008 Woodie Awards
Five-step guide to becoming a good Republican
Igor Volsky
Issue date: 9/30/04 Section: Opinion
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Democracy in America impedes democratic developments in Iraq. That's the latest line of attack coming from the Bush campaign, which believes that if you criticize President George W. Bush's lack of planning for post-war Iraq and try to outline a strategy to clean up his mess and institute peace, you are aiding and abetting the enemy.
But, to be a good Republican you must do the following:
First, define John Kerry as "the most liberal senator in the nation" while disregarding the fact that the survey used to make that claim was conducted during the time John Kerry was campaigning and thus missing many Senate votes.
Second, define John Kerry as a "flip-flopper" on major issues like Iraq by selectively cherry- picking certain quotes while ignoring John Kerry's nuanced position. That being: Kerry voted for the authority of force to be used as pressure against Hussein and would have supported military action if and only if there was a strong multinational effort to disarm Hussein, and all other options (i.e. inspections) had been exhausted.
Third, question John Kerry's service in Vietnam by setting up a front group to allege completely unsubstantiated charges against a decorated war hero whose record is supported by all official naval documents. Quickly fire your campaign lawyer once it is discovered that he has been providing legal advice for the group. Then encourage former senator Bob Dole to speculate that "some of the charges have to be true" and ignore any inconsistency between what the accusatory veterans said several years ago and what they say today. Specifically disregard the praise some of them lavished on Kerry in 1996. Finally, attempt to distance yourself from the accusers by condemning all 527 groups but refusing, on multiple occasions, to specifically condemn the accusatory group. This is very convenient since it allows you to patronizingly proclaim your "respect" for John Kerry's Vietnam service while at the same time indirectly questioning it.
But, to be a good Republican you must do the following:
First, define John Kerry as "the most liberal senator in the nation" while disregarding the fact that the survey used to make that claim was conducted during the time John Kerry was campaigning and thus missing many Senate votes.
Second, define John Kerry as a "flip-flopper" on major issues like Iraq by selectively cherry- picking certain quotes while ignoring John Kerry's nuanced position. That being: Kerry voted for the authority of force to be used as pressure against Hussein and would have supported military action if and only if there was a strong multinational effort to disarm Hussein, and all other options (i.e. inspections) had been exhausted.
Third, question John Kerry's service in Vietnam by setting up a front group to allege completely unsubstantiated charges against a decorated war hero whose record is supported by all official naval documents. Quickly fire your campaign lawyer once it is discovered that he has been providing legal advice for the group. Then encourage former senator Bob Dole to speculate that "some of the charges have to be true" and ignore any inconsistency between what the accusatory veterans said several years ago and what they say today. Specifically disregard the praise some of them lavished on Kerry in 1996. Finally, attempt to distance yourself from the accusers by condemning all 527 groups but refusing, on multiple occasions, to specifically condemn the accusatory group. This is very convenient since it allows you to patronizingly proclaim your "respect" for John Kerry's Vietnam service while at the same time indirectly questioning it.