2008 Woodie Awards
SECURITY BRIEFS:
Oh thank heaven for Family Weekend
Dan Roy
Issue date: 10/7/04 Section: Campus
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9/29 - An officer on duty watched a student park in the wrong lot at 2:20 a.m. Wednesday. When the guard questioned him, the student said he really needed to use the bathroom. "Just give me 20 minutes," he told the officer. Three hours later, the student still wasn't back, and his car was booted. The moral of the story is that the bathroom is a great excuse to get you out of a speeding ticket, but not a parking one. The car isn't getting away when it's parked. I'll use diarrhea all night if I get caught going 60 in a 35. The officer won't want to find out if you are telling the truth or not. I've even gotten a police escort to my house when I said I had diarrhea. Man, it was great, it just got a little uncomfortable when the cop waited outside the bathroom door for me with Imodium A.D.
9/29 - First off, I want to say that you should never sign strangers into your dorm. That sounds obvious, but people do it. A woman was escorted off campus at 5:35 p.m. for soliciting salon treatments in Leo Hall. A Leo resident agreed to "host" her at the sign-in desk. Yeah, there's a good idea. Next time it won't be salon treatment, it will be rat poison cupcakes. And if you're dumb enough to sign a stranger in, you're dumb enough to buy rat poison cupcakes.
9/30 - A student reported his bike missing from Townhouse C at 7:20 p.m. Friday. A few days later, the bike was found in the Bank of New York parking lot. Hey, Lance Armstrong, nice getaway. I guess all the speed bumps of Marist are more grueling than the mountains in France. I mean, that one by Fontaine alone will make even the most avid biker rethink his path.
9/30 - A vehicle got damaged in the Midrise lot! Wow, nothing chaps my backside more than driver's side wheel wells getting bent. If I were the one to see that at 4:00 p.m. Saturday, I would have been on the phone with my hit man by 4:01. "A note was left." Ohhh, well you didn't say that! That's completely different! Who wants tea?
9/29 - First off, I want to say that you should never sign strangers into your dorm. That sounds obvious, but people do it. A woman was escorted off campus at 5:35 p.m. for soliciting salon treatments in Leo Hall. A Leo resident agreed to "host" her at the sign-in desk. Yeah, there's a good idea. Next time it won't be salon treatment, it will be rat poison cupcakes. And if you're dumb enough to sign a stranger in, you're dumb enough to buy rat poison cupcakes.
9/30 - A student reported his bike missing from Townhouse C at 7:20 p.m. Friday. A few days later, the bike was found in the Bank of New York parking lot. Hey, Lance Armstrong, nice getaway. I guess all the speed bumps of Marist are more grueling than the mountains in France. I mean, that one by Fontaine alone will make even the most avid biker rethink his path.
9/30 - A vehicle got damaged in the Midrise lot! Wow, nothing chaps my backside more than driver's side wheel wells getting bent. If I were the one to see that at 4:00 p.m. Saturday, I would have been on the phone with my hit man by 4:01. "A note was left." Ohhh, well you didn't say that! That's completely different! Who wants tea?