2008 Woodie Awards
Golf cart becomes poor substitute for white Bronco in O.J.-style Marist escape attempt
Andrew Moll
Issue date: 10/19/06 Section: Campus
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A lot of people are coming up to me and asking me, "Hey Andrew, why do you always make fun of SNAP in your security briefs?" (Note: No one has asked me this. In fact, practically nobody I know has admitted to reading the briefs, let alone enjoying them.) Well, I'll tell you why. Because it's funny. To me, at least. So stop being so uptight, Mr. SNAP officer. And please don't hurt me.
10/10
A Champagnat fire alarm went off due to an unsuccessful attempt to cook popcorn in the microwave. Come on people, there are much better options out there than burning down an entire dorm. Take it from me, just buy bags of that white cheddar popcorn. Delicious. This is stuff is insanely addictive. I'm convinced they lace it with cocaine or something, that's why I keep buying it when I have microwaveable popcorn in my room.
10/11 - 2:27 A.M.
You may remember last week, the story about the young kid who stole a golf cart as a plan to get to the deli? Well, this week a security golf cart was taken, and the perpetrator was seen going south bound on the roadway to McCann. Apparently their plan was to drive through the McCann parking lot, elude security, and make a break for the bridge and freedom, OJ-style. You nearly made it, kid. You nearly made it.
10/13 - 10:30 PM
In Leo Hall, three students were found with a small bag of marijuana and a pipe. What they planned on doing with said items, I'm not too sure. I could make an easy joke here about Bob Marley and being hungry or something, or I could continue my stupid trend of making fun of Leo. Either way, I'm screwed. I think I'll do my Jay Leno impression and not be funny at all.
10/14 - 3:10 P.M.
A Gartland resident returned to their house to find their front door handle damaged, and further damage inside the apartment. You know who I think it was? The Hamburglar. But really, is stealing hamburgers such a crime that one has to dress in old-time prison garb 24 hours a day? Seems a little much. Think about it.
10/10
A Champagnat fire alarm went off due to an unsuccessful attempt to cook popcorn in the microwave. Come on people, there are much better options out there than burning down an entire dorm. Take it from me, just buy bags of that white cheddar popcorn. Delicious. This is stuff is insanely addictive. I'm convinced they lace it with cocaine or something, that's why I keep buying it when I have microwaveable popcorn in my room.
10/11 - 2:27 A.M.
You may remember last week, the story about the young kid who stole a golf cart as a plan to get to the deli? Well, this week a security golf cart was taken, and the perpetrator was seen going south bound on the roadway to McCann. Apparently their plan was to drive through the McCann parking lot, elude security, and make a break for the bridge and freedom, OJ-style. You nearly made it, kid. You nearly made it.
10/13 - 10:30 PM
In Leo Hall, three students were found with a small bag of marijuana and a pipe. What they planned on doing with said items, I'm not too sure. I could make an easy joke here about Bob Marley and being hungry or something, or I could continue my stupid trend of making fun of Leo. Either way, I'm screwed. I think I'll do my Jay Leno impression and not be funny at all.
10/14 - 3:10 P.M.
A Gartland resident returned to their house to find their front door handle damaged, and further damage inside the apartment. You know who I think it was? The Hamburglar. But really, is stealing hamburgers such a crime that one has to dress in old-time prison garb 24 hours a day? Seems a little much. Think about it.
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