2008 Woodie Awards
SECURITY BRIEFS: This Week: Andrew Moll on campus mini-dramas, Andrew Russell on floor of Campus Deli
Andrew Moll
Issue date: 10/26/06 Section: Campus
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10/22
A couple weeks ago, "Stone" read an article in the Generator about all the special privileges that Marist athletes receive. The jig was up. No longer would he be able to take all the classes he wanted, cheat on all his tests, or hang out with all the groupies a young man could want. Everything about Marist athletics had been exposed due to an honest, well-researched article by someone noted for their participation in approximately zero sports on campus. Stone was distraught. "What am I going to do? How am I going to make it through all my classes? Why?! WHY?!" he asked. Over the course of a couple weeks, he slowly fell into the depths of an already-present penchant for alcohol. (He could get away with this because the school turned a blind eye when he played with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his back pocket, another perk of being a college athlete.) Stone spent all of his mid-semester break drinking and drinking some more. His college life would never be the same and he knew it, so it's tough for one to blame him for his actions. Unfortunately, the law doesn't have the same sort of sympathy. And by law, I mean Marist security. Stone came back to school on Sunday night at around 9:30, and attempted to stumble into Champagnat, but was turned away due to his intoxicated state. He was able to get the first available ride to St. Francis, though. Getting one final use out of his athletic privileges before the student body rebelled against athletics and took back the school. Yep. Any day now.
10/22
"Alex" was a troubled young man, and got caught up with the wrong crowd at a young age. Before long, he was skipping school, getting into random fights in the street, listening to Beethoven, engaging in acts of ultra-violence, and hanging out at milk bars. But our young protagonist's story takes a drastic turn here. See, Alex and two of his friends decided to break into a house they knew was occupied by only an older woman. Alex went in alone to see if she was there, distract her while the other two waited outside. But a scuffle ensued, and the old lady was murdered. Unbeknownst to Alex, his friends had planned to turn on him, and when he left the house to run (see, the old lady had already called the cops), they attacked him with a milk bottle, and he was left on the ground to be taken by the police. He was given a life sentence, but when in jail, he seemed to take a liking to the teachings of the Bible. Even luckier for Alex, the government had a new program it wanted to test out on an inmate. He was chosen to undergo the Ludovico Treatment, in which criminals are shown violent images in a torture type setting in an effort to offset their criminal tendencies. Alex was released to the public world when his treatment was ruled a success, but he had become a shell of a man, unable to show or feel normal human emotions without feeling incredibly ill. It was a shame, then, at that time he ran into his two former friends, both of whom had become SNAP officers. They took our hero to an abandoned field, where they attempted to kill him by sticking his head under water in a basin. Alex was left for dead. He was no longer a member of society, and had nowhere to go. Eventually, he found his way to Marist College, Townhouse A to be specific. He was unable to walk or talk normally due to his attack, but the security guard on hand said he was intoxicated, and he was taken to St. Francis at about 10:35. In his hospital bed, the head of the Ludovico Treatment came to visit him, and told him they would do our best to make him well again. To this Alex replied, "I was cured, all right."
10/23
In an unrelated story, Andrew Russell was found in a diabetic coma, gasping for chocolate and insisting, "I am big like can of pepsi."
A couple weeks ago, "Stone" read an article in the Generator about all the special privileges that Marist athletes receive. The jig was up. No longer would he be able to take all the classes he wanted, cheat on all his tests, or hang out with all the groupies a young man could want. Everything about Marist athletics had been exposed due to an honest, well-researched article by someone noted for their participation in approximately zero sports on campus. Stone was distraught. "What am I going to do? How am I going to make it through all my classes? Why?! WHY?!" he asked. Over the course of a couple weeks, he slowly fell into the depths of an already-present penchant for alcohol. (He could get away with this because the school turned a blind eye when he played with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his back pocket, another perk of being a college athlete.) Stone spent all of his mid-semester break drinking and drinking some more. His college life would never be the same and he knew it, so it's tough for one to blame him for his actions. Unfortunately, the law doesn't have the same sort of sympathy. And by law, I mean Marist security. Stone came back to school on Sunday night at around 9:30, and attempted to stumble into Champagnat, but was turned away due to his intoxicated state. He was able to get the first available ride to St. Francis, though. Getting one final use out of his athletic privileges before the student body rebelled against athletics and took back the school. Yep. Any day now.
10/22
"Alex" was a troubled young man, and got caught up with the wrong crowd at a young age. Before long, he was skipping school, getting into random fights in the street, listening to Beethoven, engaging in acts of ultra-violence, and hanging out at milk bars. But our young protagonist's story takes a drastic turn here. See, Alex and two of his friends decided to break into a house they knew was occupied by only an older woman. Alex went in alone to see if she was there, distract her while the other two waited outside. But a scuffle ensued, and the old lady was murdered. Unbeknownst to Alex, his friends had planned to turn on him, and when he left the house to run (see, the old lady had already called the cops), they attacked him with a milk bottle, and he was left on the ground to be taken by the police. He was given a life sentence, but when in jail, he seemed to take a liking to the teachings of the Bible. Even luckier for Alex, the government had a new program it wanted to test out on an inmate. He was chosen to undergo the Ludovico Treatment, in which criminals are shown violent images in a torture type setting in an effort to offset their criminal tendencies. Alex was released to the public world when his treatment was ruled a success, but he had become a shell of a man, unable to show or feel normal human emotions without feeling incredibly ill. It was a shame, then, at that time he ran into his two former friends, both of whom had become SNAP officers. They took our hero to an abandoned field, where they attempted to kill him by sticking his head under water in a basin. Alex was left for dead. He was no longer a member of society, and had nowhere to go. Eventually, he found his way to Marist College, Townhouse A to be specific. He was unable to walk or talk normally due to his attack, but the security guard on hand said he was intoxicated, and he was taken to St. Francis at about 10:35. In his hospital bed, the head of the Ludovico Treatment came to visit him, and told him they would do our best to make him well again. To this Alex replied, "I was cured, all right."
10/23
In an unrelated story, Andrew Russell was found in a diabetic coma, gasping for chocolate and insisting, "I am big like can of pepsi."
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