2008 Woodie Awards
SECURITY BRIEFS: This Week: Andrew Moll on campus mini-dramas, Andrew Russell on floor of Campus Deli
Andrew Moll
Issue date: 10/26/06 Section: Campus
The following security briefs all contain the chewy nougat of a real brief, with the hard candy coating of creative story writing. Basically, there was nothing to write about so I had to add a bunch of crap to fill up the space. Enjoy.
10/19 - Talmadge
"Sean" had been smoking marijuana for years, ever since high school. Why did he do this? Because that's what preppy white kids do to feel cool, and because going and buying real drugs like heroin and cocaine requires them to go into the city to buy them, which is a scary proposition for Mr. Abercrombie & Fitch. None of his habits had changed when he got to Marist, and this is why he felt it was perfectly acceptable to break out his bong on a Tuesday afternoon at about 3:15. He opened his iTunes player, and promptly put on some Bob Marley, which is a sign that someone is smoking pot, and also a sign that said person has never actually taken the time to listen to the lyrics to "Buffalo Soldier" or "Redemption Song." As luck may have it, this was the time the RD decided to do a round of the premises. Needless to say, Sean's good time was about to come to a sudden end. The RD opened the door to the room, and the smoke billowed out like from Snoop Dogg's dressing room. Using a searchlight to go through the room, the RD found Sean, the bong, a Ricky Williams jersey, 14 opened packages of Twinkies, and a T-shirt from the Dave Matthews Band 1998 World Tour, certainly a rare collector's item for the pothead interested in overrated jam bands. The bong was confiscated and later given away to a prospective buyer who only went by the name of "Bill C." He said he tried pot before, but "didn't inhale," and since his wife is busy with her job, he had a lot of free time and wanted to try again. Good for him.
10/20
Poor, poor "John" -- he'd been away from his girlfriend for weeks, ever since they both went away to different schools. But luckily for him, his girlfriend and he planned for her to come up to visit during mid-semester break so they could spend the weekend together while everyone else had left, so they could spend their weekend, um, you know, hanging out and whatnot. But since no guests were allowed into the building, a plan had to be devised to get her in. So, through some genius brainstorming, John decided to pass his ID card through the window in the Sheahan laundry room, have Girlfriend take it, and then she could swipe in, walk in, and spend an enjoyable evening with her boyfriend. Unfortunately for John and Girlfriend, the security guard working that evening was at the top of his game and not too sauced while on the job. He noticed that the picture on the card featured a person who had a beard, and the young lady in front of him clearly did not have a beard. Maybe she had shaved it off. He'd been to the circus enough times to know women like that existed. But upon further inspection, it was revealed it wasn't her card at all! Girlfriend wasn't allowed in, and John was forced to spend the rest of the weekend by himself, wondering what could have been.
10/19 - Talmadge
"Sean" had been smoking marijuana for years, ever since high school. Why did he do this? Because that's what preppy white kids do to feel cool, and because going and buying real drugs like heroin and cocaine requires them to go into the city to buy them, which is a scary proposition for Mr. Abercrombie & Fitch. None of his habits had changed when he got to Marist, and this is why he felt it was perfectly acceptable to break out his bong on a Tuesday afternoon at about 3:15. He opened his iTunes player, and promptly put on some Bob Marley, which is a sign that someone is smoking pot, and also a sign that said person has never actually taken the time to listen to the lyrics to "Buffalo Soldier" or "Redemption Song." As luck may have it, this was the time the RD decided to do a round of the premises. Needless to say, Sean's good time was about to come to a sudden end. The RD opened the door to the room, and the smoke billowed out like from Snoop Dogg's dressing room. Using a searchlight to go through the room, the RD found Sean, the bong, a Ricky Williams jersey, 14 opened packages of Twinkies, and a T-shirt from the Dave Matthews Band 1998 World Tour, certainly a rare collector's item for the pothead interested in overrated jam bands. The bong was confiscated and later given away to a prospective buyer who only went by the name of "Bill C." He said he tried pot before, but "didn't inhale," and since his wife is busy with her job, he had a lot of free time and wanted to try again. Good for him.
10/20
Poor, poor "John" -- he'd been away from his girlfriend for weeks, ever since they both went away to different schools. But luckily for him, his girlfriend and he planned for her to come up to visit during mid-semester break so they could spend the weekend together while everyone else had left, so they could spend their weekend, um, you know, hanging out and whatnot. But since no guests were allowed into the building, a plan had to be devised to get her in. So, through some genius brainstorming, John decided to pass his ID card through the window in the Sheahan laundry room, have Girlfriend take it, and then she could swipe in, walk in, and spend an enjoyable evening with her boyfriend. Unfortunately for John and Girlfriend, the security guard working that evening was at the top of his game and not too sauced while on the job. He noticed that the picture on the card featured a person who had a beard, and the young lady in front of him clearly did not have a beard. Maybe she had shaved it off. He'd been to the circus enough times to know women like that existed. But upon further inspection, it was revealed it wasn't her card at all! Girlfriend wasn't allowed in, and John was forced to spend the rest of the weekend by himself, wondering what could have been.
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