2008 Woodie Awards
SECURITY BRIEFS
Residents of Foy Townhouse A fail Grilled Cheese 101; Forced to repeat next semester
Andrew Moll
Issue date: 11/2/06 Section: Campus
10/27 - 1:42 P.M.
A fire alarm was set off in Townhouse A due to a burnt cheese sandwich. Right. I don't even know what to say.
10/27 - 10:20 A.M.
Mkay. In Lower West Cedar some windows were seen smeared with ketchup, jelly, and chocolate. How or why they got there, I'm not exactly sure. I mean, it does sound a little kinky, but still, on the window?
10/28 - 12:37 A.M.
An intoxicated student was found in front of Gregory after an apparently entertaining Friday night. I wasn't told the name of the young student, but sources close to me tell me that the student's name is Andrew Russell, and that he was on the ground screaming, "I'm not an animal, I am a man!!"
10/28
While a student was sleeping in their Gartland residence, some attempted to enter their house through the unlocked front door, although nothing was found stolen. What's the point of entering someone else's place if you aren't going to take anything? Are you just there to admire the home furnishings? Are you Michael Lowell? Just take something! A lamp, some jewelry, a cookie, anything! Make your trip worthwhile, at least.
10/29
Another fire alarm went off in Townhouse A, this time due to an inability to sear a roast. According to my files(and by files, I mean my spiral notebook I jot my notes down in that I spilled Mountain Dew on last semester) this is the fourth time this semester that there has been a fire alarm incident at Townhouse A, including two in this week alone. That's not good, people. Why are you searing it anyway? Everybody knows that searing results in a greater net loss of moisture versus cooking to the same internal temperature without first searing. This is common knowledge.
10/30 - 3:00 P.M.
A Gartland fire alarm went off, because of burnt food. The culprit this time? Soup. That's right. Burnt soup. I hope somebody can tell me why we're bringing in so many new students when at least have of them are a threat to burn down the campus because of a toast incident.
10/30 - 7:30 P.M.
There was a fire alarm set off in Champagnat, too. No, not because of burnt food. It was due to a fog machine, set up for a Halloween party. Sounds more like a Prince video from the Eighty's to me. But Prince is cool. So I have no problem with this. A strobe light would have completed the effect, but also turned it into a rave. And that means bad techno music, which is, of course, an oxymoron because all techno music is bad. Stick with the Purple One. He'll lead the way.
A fire alarm was set off in Townhouse A due to a burnt cheese sandwich. Right. I don't even know what to say.
10/27 - 10:20 A.M.
Mkay. In Lower West Cedar some windows were seen smeared with ketchup, jelly, and chocolate. How or why they got there, I'm not exactly sure. I mean, it does sound a little kinky, but still, on the window?
10/28 - 12:37 A.M.
An intoxicated student was found in front of Gregory after an apparently entertaining Friday night. I wasn't told the name of the young student, but sources close to me tell me that the student's name is Andrew Russell, and that he was on the ground screaming, "I'm not an animal, I am a man!!"
10/28
While a student was sleeping in their Gartland residence, some attempted to enter their house through the unlocked front door, although nothing was found stolen. What's the point of entering someone else's place if you aren't going to take anything? Are you just there to admire the home furnishings? Are you Michael Lowell? Just take something! A lamp, some jewelry, a cookie, anything! Make your trip worthwhile, at least.
10/29
Another fire alarm went off in Townhouse A, this time due to an inability to sear a roast. According to my files(and by files, I mean my spiral notebook I jot my notes down in that I spilled Mountain Dew on last semester) this is the fourth time this semester that there has been a fire alarm incident at Townhouse A, including two in this week alone. That's not good, people. Why are you searing it anyway? Everybody knows that searing results in a greater net loss of moisture versus cooking to the same internal temperature without first searing. This is common knowledge.
10/30 - 3:00 P.M.
A Gartland fire alarm went off, because of burnt food. The culprit this time? Soup. That's right. Burnt soup. I hope somebody can tell me why we're bringing in so many new students when at least have of them are a threat to burn down the campus because of a toast incident.
10/30 - 7:30 P.M.
There was a fire alarm set off in Champagnat, too. No, not because of burnt food. It was due to a fog machine, set up for a Halloween party. Sounds more like a Prince video from the Eighty's to me. But Prince is cool. So I have no problem with this. A strobe light would have completed the effect, but also turned it into a rave. And that means bad techno music, which is, of course, an oxymoron because all techno music is bad. Stick with the Purple One. He'll lead the way.
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