2008 Woodie Awards
SECURITY BRIEFS: No one ever does anything original on this campus
Andrew Moll
Issue date: 11/30/06 Section: Campus
11/14
A Sheahan resident reported that their wallet had been stolen while they were in the shower. The town police were called, and it was discovered that one of the credit cards that had been in the wallet was used across the street a short time after the wallet was said to have been stolen. Eventually, another student was arrested for the theft. Not gonna lie. Kinda not cool.
11/16 - 11:30 AM
In Midrise, a student reported that their laptop was stolen from a lounge. Apparently, the student had been using the computer until 3:40 AM, and decided to go back to their room to take a power nap. Well, six hours later, they awoke and returned to the lounge to find their $2,000 laptop missing. And wouldn't you know it, that same laptop was later found in the closet of the lounge where it originally was. This is why I never nap. Of course, I never sleep either, so I'm beginning to think there are bigger problems here.
11/16- 2:30 PM
Admissions was to receive a delivery of three new chairs. Unfortunately, one of the chairs wound up missing on the way from the truck to the office. It was later found hidden under a stairwell. How did it get there? Your guess is as good as mine.
11/17 - 12:30 AM
At some unknown place on campus, an inebriated student stepped out of a taxi and promptly fell to the ground. The student was checked out and allowed to return to their residence. Allow me an editorial note: Go listen to "Boys & Girls in America", the new album by The Hold Steady. That is all.
11/17 - 1:35 AM
In Sheahan, an intoxicated student was taken to St. Francis. This is something I have yet to experience, which is obviously a good thing, but taking that trip up to the Bates Motel-mansion-esque hospital is sort of appealing. I can combine that with my other dream of one day writing about myself in a security brief.
11/18 - 4:18 AM
In the early hours of the morning, a student and a guest were caught attempting to climb into Champagant through one of the first floor windows. That's all very stealth, Mission Impossible-esque. Minus the Scientology.
11/19
A student reported that their laptop was missing from the common room of their Lower West Cedar residence. Did you check the closet? You know, sometimes I see one of my housemates using his laptop in our common room, and I don't think I want to touch the thing. Lord only knows what he's been using it for. I'm pretty sure SNAP should confiscate that thing, in the best interests of national security.
11/21 - 10:05 PM
Over in Midrise, some students were found with some alcohol. Among the items found were an open bottle of Jose Cuervo, some Smirnoff, and some sort of Vodka. Good baby times.
11/25 - 12:15 AM
The RA at Lower West Cedar heard some voices in an apartment that should have been vacant, and the young peoples were forced to leave the residence. Well, I never! These people should be punished severely. Drawn and quartered, I say! Bah humbug!
A Sheahan resident reported that their wallet had been stolen while they were in the shower. The town police were called, and it was discovered that one of the credit cards that had been in the wallet was used across the street a short time after the wallet was said to have been stolen. Eventually, another student was arrested for the theft. Not gonna lie. Kinda not cool.
11/16 - 11:30 AM
In Midrise, a student reported that their laptop was stolen from a lounge. Apparently, the student had been using the computer until 3:40 AM, and decided to go back to their room to take a power nap. Well, six hours later, they awoke and returned to the lounge to find their $2,000 laptop missing. And wouldn't you know it, that same laptop was later found in the closet of the lounge where it originally was. This is why I never nap. Of course, I never sleep either, so I'm beginning to think there are bigger problems here.
11/16- 2:30 PM
Admissions was to receive a delivery of three new chairs. Unfortunately, one of the chairs wound up missing on the way from the truck to the office. It was later found hidden under a stairwell. How did it get there? Your guess is as good as mine.
11/17 - 12:30 AM
At some unknown place on campus, an inebriated student stepped out of a taxi and promptly fell to the ground. The student was checked out and allowed to return to their residence. Allow me an editorial note: Go listen to "Boys & Girls in America", the new album by The Hold Steady. That is all.
11/17 - 1:35 AM
In Sheahan, an intoxicated student was taken to St. Francis. This is something I have yet to experience, which is obviously a good thing, but taking that trip up to the Bates Motel-mansion-esque hospital is sort of appealing. I can combine that with my other dream of one day writing about myself in a security brief.
11/18 - 4:18 AM
In the early hours of the morning, a student and a guest were caught attempting to climb into Champagant through one of the first floor windows. That's all very stealth, Mission Impossible-esque. Minus the Scientology.
11/19
A student reported that their laptop was missing from the common room of their Lower West Cedar residence. Did you check the closet? You know, sometimes I see one of my housemates using his laptop in our common room, and I don't think I want to touch the thing. Lord only knows what he's been using it for. I'm pretty sure SNAP should confiscate that thing, in the best interests of national security.
11/21 - 10:05 PM
Over in Midrise, some students were found with some alcohol. Among the items found were an open bottle of Jose Cuervo, some Smirnoff, and some sort of Vodka. Good baby times.
11/25 - 12:15 AM
The RA at Lower West Cedar heard some voices in an apartment that should have been vacant, and the young peoples were forced to leave the residence. Well, I never! These people should be punished severely. Drawn and quartered, I say! Bah humbug!
Be the first to comment on this story