2008 Woodie Awards
Security Briefs
Champagnat pirates maim, loot, pillage
Tyler Thurston
Issue date: 2/14/08 Section: Campus
2/5 - Public Service Announcement
During the last week, a laptop, video game controller, mini iPod, and alarm clock have been stolen out of two Champagnat rooms. Both residents were MIA during the reported thievery, but luckily for the guilty, their rooms were unlocked. What has this very valuable lesson taught us? No, not to not keep expensive things in our rooms. No, not even to not be a material girl living in a material world. No, not that you can skip all your 8:00 classes because you don't have an alarm clock. Okay, stop guessing. Lock your door, or your things are probably being stolen as you read this. Seriously.
2/7 - Campus
Well, this is normal. A cab driver picked up a Marist student at the train station, vowing to fulfill their civic duty and return the student to campus. Along the way, the cab also picked up a student returning to Vassar, vowing once again to fulfill this duty. The Vassar student was dropped off first, and upon dropping off the Marist student, the cab driver attempted to charge the student the fare for swinging by Vassar on the way home. Following? Yeah, the student didn't either, and refused to pay. When the cab driver was asked to show their cab license, they refused, and the town police took a report. Although the cab driver refused to show their license, thanks to my sense of investigative, hard-hitting, Inside Edition style reporting, I found out the name of the company. I'm never one to reveal hidden identities, but let's just say I wouldn't want to work for Tulu Taxi. Seriously, it must really suck to be Tulu Taxi. I mean, they had a thriving business, and then some little brat goes and badmouths the good name of Tulu Taxi all over a newspaper. I mean, can't Tulu Taxi sue for that or something? Tulu Tulu Tulu.
2/8 - Fulton
Well, this is creepy. Recently, students of Fulton have reported receiving mysterious, obscene phone calls at odd hours of the night, most likely not asking them to complete a short survey, but featuring more heavy breathy and ruffling of bed sheets. Damn, Tulu Taxi seriously wants that fare, don't they? Oh, like you thought it was over, Tulu.
During the last week, a laptop, video game controller, mini iPod, and alarm clock have been stolen out of two Champagnat rooms. Both residents were MIA during the reported thievery, but luckily for the guilty, their rooms were unlocked. What has this very valuable lesson taught us? No, not to not keep expensive things in our rooms. No, not even to not be a material girl living in a material world. No, not that you can skip all your 8:00 classes because you don't have an alarm clock. Okay, stop guessing. Lock your door, or your things are probably being stolen as you read this. Seriously.
2/7 - Campus
Well, this is normal. A cab driver picked up a Marist student at the train station, vowing to fulfill their civic duty and return the student to campus. Along the way, the cab also picked up a student returning to Vassar, vowing once again to fulfill this duty. The Vassar student was dropped off first, and upon dropping off the Marist student, the cab driver attempted to charge the student the fare for swinging by Vassar on the way home. Following? Yeah, the student didn't either, and refused to pay. When the cab driver was asked to show their cab license, they refused, and the town police took a report. Although the cab driver refused to show their license, thanks to my sense of investigative, hard-hitting, Inside Edition style reporting, I found out the name of the company. I'm never one to reveal hidden identities, but let's just say I wouldn't want to work for Tulu Taxi. Seriously, it must really suck to be Tulu Taxi. I mean, they had a thriving business, and then some little brat goes and badmouths the good name of Tulu Taxi all over a newspaper. I mean, can't Tulu Taxi sue for that or something? Tulu Tulu Tulu.
2/8 - Fulton
Well, this is creepy. Recently, students of Fulton have reported receiving mysterious, obscene phone calls at odd hours of the night, most likely not asking them to complete a short survey, but featuring more heavy breathy and ruffling of bed sheets. Damn, Tulu Taxi seriously wants that fare, don't they? Oh, like you thought it was over, Tulu.
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