Casino in Donnelly Hall

It’s no secret that the raid on Darby’s has left some members of the student body shaken and wanting an alternative for their Friday nights. Students have begun looking outside of Poughkeepsie and into the surrounding communities for a fun night out. At the same time, Marist College is exploring new ways of utilizing the newly-freed up real estate from the now bareen Donnelly Hall.

I believe there is a logical solution to address both of these two problems: open a casino in Donnelly.

Hear me out: the ex-classrooms turned casino floors are the perfect sizes to house blackjack, poker tables and slot machines. The rooms where students once designed clothing of the future can now be turned into something profitable. With Marist serving as the house, now the Red Foxes will never lose (for once).

According to New York gambling law, casinos are restricted to Native American land—which is fine. To boost public relations at the school, Marist would donate the land between the Gatehouse and the center of Donnelly Hall to the Mohican Native American tribe. Considering the land has already been developed, Marist will negotiate a resolution with the tribe to make meaningful use of the land—like building a casino

There are five classrooms empty in the now-closed fashion department of Donnelly. Two classrooms for poker, one for blackjack, one for roulette and the last will be reserved for slot machines. In accordance with Marist’s commitment to student success, members of the student body will work the tables. Of course, the rooms will need protection. We’ll look no further than down the round hallway. The finest security staff in the Hudson Valley will provide protection to student workers and student players.

Because the casino would be on Marist property, there would need to be an educational aspect to this program. Marist would offer classes in gambling such as: “Casinology 101” and “Special Topics: Gambling in the Hudson Valley,” which would both count as business credits. There very well could be a gambling minor if the casino is a success.

Much like other services on campus, Marist Money would be acceptable, but could not be exchanged for cash. If you get blackjack with Marist Money, you will win more Marist Money. Thrifty Cash would only be accepted at the all-you-can-eat Sodexo buffet featuring dry chicken thighs, hockey-puck burgers and mocha brownies.

The only question that remains is the name. What do you call a casino on a once-Catholic campus? The Monastery. It would be an homage to the Catholic brothers that founded the school to educate and rid the world of sin… like gambling. The Monastery would be open Thursday through Saturday from 9:00 p.m. to 4:00 a.m. providing students and alumni with a chance to pay off their student loans in a single night.

By establishing a casino on campus, Marist eliminates two major problems: a healthy alternative to the bar scene and fill the vacancy in Donnelly. With the added publicity of donating land to Native American causes, Marist College would be leading the way for innovative schools in New York state. Business would prosper, and tuition could be lowered.

However, there is only one obstacle that gets in the way of Marist putting The Monastery on campus: parking. Unfortunately, Marist College does not have enough parking spots on campus to facilitate an active casino, or a student body.

This article is 100 percent fictitious and not to be taken seriously in any way.

Tony CabralComment