Trump's State of the Union Causes Chaos


President Donald Trump’s second State of the Union Address, which was postponed until after the government shutdown nobody but TSA workers noticed was even happening, got off to a rocky start a few weeks ago as soon as members of Congress started arriving. Senator Tim Kaine and Senator Mark Warner, both from Virginia, were deep in conversation about how important it is to #BelieveAllWomen (with the obvious exception of those women who accused their Lieutenant Governor of sexual assault a few weeks ago) when in swept a platoon of seventy Democratic Congresswomen dressed in all white. Senators Kaine and Warner, being from Virginia, mistakenly thought that the parade of Democrats wearing all white were marching in support of Governor Ralph Northam, until they got close enough to see that the congresswomen were wearing dresses not robes, and that none of them had hoods.

Fifteen minutes later, Senator Elizabeth Warren from the Wonder Bread Tribe charged into the People’s House wearing 1/1024th of a headdress, brandishing 1/1024th of a tomahawk, chasing 1/1024th of a wild bison. That is to say—she wandered in with a dirty pigeon’s feather sticking out of her hair, carrying a letter opener, chasing after an Uber Eats driver who was trying to deliver three dozen Big Macs and a case of Diet Coke to the White House. When the Sergeant at Arms of the House of Representatives stopped Senator Cherokinda and told her she could not bring a letter opener into the House Chamber, she took a swig of Jack Daniels and yelled “Unhand me white man!” before promptly passing out.

Meanwhile, the White House was thrown into confusion when President Trump fired Secretary of Energy Rick Perry only fifteen minutes after naming him designated survivor. After being told by acting Attorney General Matthew Whittaker that he was not allowed to make his daughter Ivanka the designated survivor—because she is not in the Presidential Line of Succession—Trump gave the honor to Secretary of Labor Alexander Acosta, who promptly resigned; then to Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert Wilkie, who was immediately indicted; and finally to Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross, who has not been heard from since. The President fired another three cabinet secretaries on the way to deliver his speech, and changed Chief of staff four times while exiting his limo.

After being announced to the gathered Representatives and Senators, President Trump entered the House Chamber flanked by a phalanx of stormtroopers marching to the song “Imperial March.” Republican Representatives threw themselves onto the aisle floor so that the bottom of Trump’s shoes would not get dirty; while Senator Elizabeth Wigwam fired paper clips she thought were flaming arrows from a rubber band she thought was a longbow at the President from halfway across the chamber.

Upon reaching the podium from which he would give his address, President Trump handed a copy of his speech to Vice President Mike Pence, who hugged the speech to his chest for four straight minutes, and to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who promptly tossed it in the trash. Speaker Pelosi then leaned back in her chair, put her feat up on the table in front of her, poured herself a vodka-tonic, and started flipping through a copy of the New York Times which she thought was from that day, but had actually been printed in 1967.

The President then began his speech, which was filled with such calls for bipartisanship as promising to execute Special Council Bob Muller by firing squad, deport Rosie O'Donnell to Syria, and shutdown the government for eleven months if Congress did not agree to build a thirty seven foot wall made out of steel and razor wire and equipped with heat-seeking missiles. In response, every Republican in the room rose to their feet in applause and wept tears of joy, while every Democrat in the room bravely sat in their comfy chairs with their arms crossed like petulant children.

Near the end of his speech, President Trump asked the Congress to pass legislation preventing the abortion of children after their second birthday parties, after which all the gathered Democrats leapt to their feet and shouted in unison “Crucify him, Crucify him.” This chant woke Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders from his nap and, thinking that it was 1988 and he was still on his honeymoon in the Soviet Union, he erupted into a rendition of the “State Anthem of the Soviet Union.” Upon hearing the senator singing in Russian, Representative Adam Schiff, the Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, issued sixty seven subpoenas to thirty eight members of the Trump Administration, half of whom had resigned from the administration since the start of the speech.

As the speech came to a close, President Trump shared the news that more African Americans, Women, and disabled people were working than ever before. Upon hearing this news, the assembled Republicans gave Trump a standing ovation while the assembled Democrats booed, hissed, and called for a congressional investigation. Halfway through the Republican’s three hour applause break, the Democratic women dressed in white realized that they themselves were newly employed women and burst into cheers; dancing and high fiving each other without any of that drab and boring dignity, class, or grace usually expected from government officials.

Trump ended his speech with a final call for unity, announcing to the assembled legislators that he had just ordered the execution of Order Sixty Six, and that he would reorganize the republic into the first galactic empire just as soon as he found and killed the remaining jedi. The Republicans, the party of limited government and individual liberty, again rose to their feet in cheers while the Democrats, the party of government intervention and vast executive authority, broke out into protests—all except Bernie Sanders, who had fallen back asleep.

Joseph PerrottaComment