Bons Mots: Poetry For Hacks
Drawing done by Max Hochberg '25
A “bon mot” is French for “a witty remark.”
I once heard a man at a ceremony begin his congratulations by saying, “Never start a speech with a joke. If it is not funny, you will look like a fool in front of everyone. If it is funny, no one will remember the rest of your speech.” Everyone laughed.
I haven’t the foggiest idea what he said after that.
-Max
Responding to famous slogans from Fortune 500 companies:
Gatorade - “Is it in you?”
Me - I just drank it, so yes!
Burger King - “Have it your way.”
Me - I ordered a burger with nothing on it but cheese and ketchup, and I received a chicken sandwich with lettuce, tomato, onions, pickles and mayonnaise. That is not my way!
Sprite - “Obey your thirst”
Me - No sane human being picks up Sprite when they are thirsty!
Capital One - “What’s in your wallet?”
Me - Money!
Walmart - “Save money. Live better.”
Me - I got a bag of Doritos at Walmart for $6.41, a bag that used to be $5.88. Not only did I lose money, but I ate half the bag of Doritos in one sitting, making my life significantly worse!
Red Bull - “Red Bull gives you wings.”
Me - Red Bull actually gives you heart palpitations!
Goldfish - “The snack that smiles back”
Me - Do they think I’m just staring at a handful of goldfish and smiling?
-Kyle
Two raccoons sat in a Starbucks when suddenly, a lemur walked by. One of the raccoons leaned over to the other and said, “God, that guy’s in great shape.”
-Max
I was pulling a prank on my mom at Christmas where I hid in a giant box wrapped in wrapping paper, and I’d jump out and scare her when she went to open it. As we were opening gifts, my mom went upstairs to go to the bathroom. When she was out of sight, my dad opened the top of the box and said, “Hey, stay in the present.” I obliged and sat there engaging in mindfulness and deep breathing techniques.
-Kyle
I once met Bob Dylan in the back alley of a Chinese restaurant. His hair was a mess, his clothes unpressed and his eyes were completely obscured by his sunglasses. I asked him, “What are you doing here?” He said, “Bob Dylan? I don’t know that man. I was born in a cornfield with no one around me, man. A quart-full of quarters with no borders couldn’t court me to score a horror show. What do you think I am? A voodoo guru? You’re looking for an answer I can’t give you. Everybody wants someone from me, but there’s not enough of me to hand out. Everybody’s lookin’ for change, but they only got dollar bills. I look in your eyes and all I see is a blind man, walkin’ without seeing. Believe me, babe, you’re gonna need a mind of your own if you want a happy home.” He then stood up and grabbed a stick with a handkerchief tied around it, full of his belongings. He asked if I had any food, then walked down the road. Come to think of it, that may not have been Bob Dylan.
-Max
In an autopsy done on Billy Mays, the salesperson for Oxiclean. It was concluded that cocaine use was a contributing factor to his death. Ironically, he was an oxymoron.
-Kyle
My Favorite Lists
Numbered
B. Alphabetical
Bullet points
Ranked
No particular order
Santa’s
Schindler’s
This one
-Max
Things aren’t always as they seem. I went to the grocery store and bought a pickle. When I went home and bit into it, it turned out to be cardboard. Turns out the “grocery store” was a front for an illegal racketeering business. Instead of food coming in, they would just cut up and spray paint the boxes that their guns were coming in, paper mache them, and put them up on shelves, passing them off as edible food items. You gotta look out for these things. Things aren’t always as they seem.
Things aren’t always as they seem. I went to get my car washed, and it was one of those where all the women come out and wash your car in scantily clad outfits. Once they were done, one of them came over to my window and asked if I could help her fix a light bulb in her apartment. We went back to her apartment, and there was no lightbulb. She immediately initiated sex with me! I did find it odd that her apartment was in a motel. Things aren’t always as they seem.
Things aren’t always as they seem. I bought my kid a model airplane for his eighth birthday. I told him, “Son, you have to act like the pilot. You have a responsibility to care for this plane and all its passengers. You’re in control.” “I love you, Dad,” he said. “I love you, too, son,” I replied. The next day, my wife reveals to me that my son isn’t mine, but rather the son of a man she had an affair with during a mission in Haiti. She also told me that she was divorcing me, and that she had never loved me. In retrospect, my “son” having an Afro was a tad bizarre. Things aren’t always as they seem. -Kyle