Marist Dining Services Introduces ‘Trendy’ Food
THIS ARTICLE IS A SATIRE AND ALL ATTRIBUTED QUOTES ARE COMPLETELY FICTITIOUS.
Marist Dining Services has reinvented its culinary practices, implementing ‘trendy’ foods at dining locations across Marist College.
Marist dining will undergo a complete overhaul, most notably in the main dining hall.
The hot food station will feature options such as sushi burgers, fried chicken in waffle cones, spaghetti bagels, and parmesan fried pickles on a stick.
The pizza station will feature two-foot long pizza slices, pizza shaped like hearts and pizza pretzels.
The coffee station will feature options such as double pumpkin spice latte, sugar-free caramel macchiato with vanilla soy milk, hazelnut dark roast hand-picked Colombian bean coffee, and an Italian double espresso latte with nonfat skim milk and foam with a portrait of former Marist president Dennis Murray.
Finally, the desert station will feature edible cookie dough, three-pound ice cream cones, smoothies served inside of light bulbs, gluten-free vegan chocolate cake, and macarons.
“We believe this decision will draw Marist students to eat on campus more often,” said Campus Executive Chef Anthony Legname. “We have to adapt with food trends if we hope to provide our students with an enjoyable experience.”
“I seriously can’t even. I literally died when I heard about the new changes,” said Livingston-Clemonte. “All of my friends at other colleges will be so jealous.”
Student’s are extremely excited for these new foods, specifically citing a probable increase of likes and followers on social media.
Junior Alexis Hall has a Snapchat score of about 90,000. She believes that these trendy foods will bring her score to over 100,000.
“I take pictures of my food wherever I go. I upload them to my Snapchat, Instagram and Facebook stories,” said junior Alexis Hall. “I think it’s really important to record everything you do everywhere you go. If you record it you’ll never miss out on anything. Plus I feel like people are genuinely interested in seeing everything I’m doing at all times.”
“I’ve noticed that posting Marist food on social media barely gets me any views or likes,” Hall continued. “I don’t know what it is, but people just don’t care about my pictures of Marist’s food. I think it’s great that Marist Dining Services has recognized that, and I feel that these new trendy foods will be a big hit.”
Freshman Thomas Evans refused to follow Marist Dining Services on social media previous to this decision.
“Marist Dining Services doesn’t even have 1,000 followers on Instagram or Facebook. I didn’t want to be associated with accounts like that, I’m trying to become verified,” he said. “I really think I’m starting a unique movement on social media - I post photos and videos of myself working out, captioning them with my lift routine and motivational quotes or lyrics from rap songs. I truly think I’m changing people’s lives.”
“If they offer cool whey protein shakes I’ll definitely be sure to throw them a follow,” he added.
Despite the excitement, there are some serious concerns from Sodexo staff.
“While in training, it’s taken me about 20 minutes to draw the portrait of Dennis Murray into latte foam, and it’s taken me about 10 minutes to prepare just one sushi burger,” said Michael Smith, a Sodexo employee at Marist. “These lines are going to be ridiculous, I just don’t think it’s practical.”
Some students also feel that the decision to implement ‘trendy’ foods is unnecessary.
“I’m fine with the typical well-balanced meal. All I need is some protein, some carbs and some veggies,” said junior Jonathan Foster. “I’m never going to want to eat pizza shaped like a pretzel, I don’t understand what’s so wrong with a normal slice of pizza.”
While Marist Dining Services is aware of these concerns, they are fully committed to their decision.
“It may not be the most practical or cost-effective decision, but it’s a necessary decision,” said Legname. “The trend of well-balanced meals has passed. The movement of trendy social media food creations has taken over.”
Sodexo staff is currently undergoing extensive training, learning how to prepare the latest trends. The changes are expected to be fully implemented before the completion of the Spring 2018 semester.